


{follow me} Through the Dark

by EmotionsofInk



Series: Edge of paradise [4]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, I'm sad so I write sad things, M/M, Nicolaj is just a little broken, Self-Hatred, but still just angst, okay maybe a lot broken, post-worlds angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-12-28 06:56:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21132524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmotionsofInk/pseuds/EmotionsofInk
Summary: He had been told too many times that he wasn't worth anything unless he succeeded. So, to be told he was still loved, well, that was just too unbelievable.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> D:  
I'm so sad, like super sad, I really thought my boys were going to make it this year, they got so close, ugh. D:  
So we all know I wanted to write a date-fic, but I feel like with the way this series has been going I couldn't write one without first addressing a few things, so you get this angst mess instead!

“I’m so sorry, I broke my promise, I let you down into the dark with me, I dragged you through the dirt… your just better off without me, the team is better off without me…” Nicolaj’s body was shaking in the hug that he was in with Peter, the exhaustion, the emotion, everything crashing through him at once. “I wanted this so bad, not for me, not really, but for you – for everyone else… but I couldn’t….”

“Neither could any of us, we’ve been so horrible teammates, this was not all on you.”

“I fucking lost us this, don’t give me that shit.”

“One solo kill does not lose a game, it never does.”

“It was more than one Peter.”

“Yeah, but where were the rest of us? Where was the back up, we are all to blame for this.”

“I…”

“Hey,” Peter took his hands, thinking that maybe after all the back and forth they have had over the last few hours, he was finally getting through to him. “I’ve got you.”

“Why?” Nicolaj looked up at him, tears filling his eyes, complete brokenness written all over his face, “When I didn’t have you?” Nicolaj pulled his hands out of Peter’s and moved away from his reach, shaking his head. “You know, you don’t have to…. You don’t have to just… pretend that you still want this, that you still want… me.”

“What? So you just think that because of this then it’s over and I…”

“Well I mean what else is there,” Nicolaj shook his head, breathing heavily, “if I can’t play this game, if I can’t help you win then what am I….” He laughed, his eyes dark, “What else is there even to love about me….”

“I don’t love you just because of your damn League skills!”

“Well you’d be the first!”

The pain in his voice was obvious as he yelled back in the words, not in anger but in complete fear of losing what was standing in front of him. This was all too new, it was all too painful, who was he to know that it would be any different than last time. He was still waiting for Peter to tell him to pack his bags and get lost. Heck, he was still waiting for the team to do it.

“You fucked up, so what, doesn’t make you any less of a person, it doesn’t make me love you any less.”

“Would you stop saying that word…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Love, you can’t, why would you – how could you love someone that… that ruined everything, that broke promises that…” He chocked on the words, they felt like glass sliding down his throat. He had let him down, he had let them all down, and that hurt more than any words or slander that anyone could throw at him. “You can’t love me, because even I don’t like me right now and I ruined everything and -!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Peter’s yell had been accompanied by him slapping Nicolaj across the face, something he never thought he would be doing to the midlaner, but it seemed there had been nothing else for it. No matter how many times he had said that he didn’t blame him he wasn’t listening – hopefully this would snap some sense into him.

“Please, just… listen, just understand,” He moved forward at this, grabbing Nicolaj by the shoulders and shaking him slightly. ‘Please… I… yes, I’m sad at the moment, yes I’m kind of annoyed, but that doesn’t mean I want to let you go, it means I want to hold you closer, it means… losing hurt, a lot, like a huge amount…. But it doesn’t compare to how much it hurts to hear you say such things…”

Trying a different tact, Peter breathed out deeply and added softly, “Do you really think me so shallow and uncaring that I would do such a thing?”

“You…” Nicolaj breathed out deeply, his voice shaking, his body stiff as he tried to hold back tears. “You’re the only good thing… the best thing about this fucking game and this stupid, stupid… you’re literally the only reason why I didn’t just up and quit last year, the chance to get to know you, the chance to be your friend, to stand by your side…”

It was the first time Nicolaj had voiced this and Peter found himself taken back. He had no idea that the midlaner had been considering leaving the LCS all together, he wondered if anyone knew, if the staff knew. He wondered if anyone on C9 knew how much they had completely destroyed him.

“Then let’s spend another year together, being friends, being more… let me take care of you.”

“I don’t deserve that, I never have.”

“Lies.”

“Tell that to everyone else who’s told me it’s true.”

Anger filled Peter at this, a deep-set hate of every single one of them that had told him such things, He hated everyone that had ever told him he wasn’t good enough, everyone that had told him that he was nothing but is performance. Peter had never been a violent person, but right now he wanted to punch multiple people.

“Nicolaj, they… they are all so wrong… you are your own person, you are more than your performance. You have feelings, you have amazing attributes and I love you, every single part of you, every amazing thing, every flaw…. Your human you know, you’re allowed to bleed.”

“Bleed?” Nicolaj looked up, an odd look on his face, “Don’t tempt me.”

At this Peter pulled him into a hug, holding him as tight as he possibly could, his grip tightening with every moment. Tears welling in his eyes, matching the tears that were streaming down Nicolaj’s face, with a few minutes of this, the silent tears turned to sobs. Echoing around the room, racking the midlaners body as he shook, Peter clinging to him tightly, holding him up.

“I love you, I do, I don’t care if you think it’s stupid, I fucking hate all of those people that have told you that you don’t deserve it….I love you and I will hold you and don’t you dare fucking make me live this damn miserable life without you…”

“I don’t…. I don’t want to lose you… but I don’t know how, I don’t know how to hold onto you…”

“You don’t need to know how, because I’m not going anywhere.”

Nicolaj’s reply to this was muffled as he clung to Peter, the words spilling out as a mix between Danish and English none of the words even making sense through the sobs. He didn’t know what to say, and even if he did, he would have no idea how to say it. He was clinging to Peter but at the same time he wanted to push him away, he wanted to run as far as way as possible.,

He didn’t deserve this, that much he was for certain, but he was going to try to hold onto it anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone for reading and giving kudos, here comes the conclusion for this story.  
I'm going to keep continuing this series bit by bit as inspiration comes to me :)

“No….” Nicolaj drew out the word, hiding his face in Peter’s chest as the AD dragged him out of the room, out to where the rest of the team was situated. He muttered something under his breath, peaking his head out from Peter, seeing the whole team he shook his head, and immediately returned to burying himself in Peter. “Don’t make me do this please, I can’t… I wouldn’t be able to take it…”

“Wouldn’t be able to take what, exactly? Us telling you you’re not worth it.” Nicolaj whimpered at these words from the top laner, who had an unreadable look on his face, “Never going to happen.”

“What?”

“Although it’s nice to see that the two of you have finished yelling at each other…”

Peter cringed slightly at this, “You all heard that.”

“I think the neighbourhood heard it,” Was Core’s reply, the support slowly making his way over to the two of them, gently prodding the shaking Nicolaj in Peter’s arms. “Hey, you’re allowed to have a bad game, it doesn’t mean we don’t like you any less. And it’s not all on you, we all could have done something that game to help.”

“I was the one that fed him….”

“No, you got first blooded, and then the rest of us fed him – that’s a big difference.”

“But I…”

“I thought Peter yelling at you was for the purpose of you to not blame yourself for such things?” Jake asked with a drip of sarcasm, raising an eyebrow at his midlaner and friend as Nicolaj peered up at him from his hug with Peter. “We’re friends first and a team second, it’s just how it is here.”

“A bit different than what you’re used to.” Impact commented, thinking back to the times this same situation had happened when he had been on Cloud 9. He briefly wondered if it had gotten worse since he had left, granted, seeing Nicolaj like this though, it probably had. “I’m sorry, that I never…”

“It’s fine.” Nicolaj’s voice was quiet but there was also a finality to it, telling them all that is was a subject that he had no intention of talking about. Not yet, not after something like this. “So…. You’re not going to just tell me to get lost?”

“Unless you want to?”

Nicolaj immediately shook his head, clinging tighter to Peter, “I want to stay, I want to try again it’s just… there’s a little voice in my head, and… history telling me that I am not allowed to.”

“Well, history is wrong.” Peter told him with finality, kissing the top of his head and running his fingers through his hair. “We want you to stay, I want you stay.” His eyes were bright with sincerity and when Nicolaj looked up to him, he could see the truth shinning in them. Peter smiled, and added softly, “Please, I love you, nothing is changing that – nothing is pushing me away.”

“O… Okay.”

“Okay?”

Nicolaj nodded, “Okay, I don’t… I don’t know why you do, but… okay.”

“Would you like me to write a list?” Peter asked with a smile, causing Nicolaj to smile back. He took this as a win, and decreased his death grip on the midlaner, content as Nicolaj stayed near his side, but not so dependent on clinging to him. “It will be a very long list but I am sure I can get it done.”

There was a murmur of chuckles at this, the whole team mentioning that they could add to the list if needed. The atmosphere turned slightly, although still tense it was not as hopeless and painful as it seemed to be moments before. There was a kind of hopeful feeling to the air now, seeming doubt had been taken care of and pain had been pushed aside for light to take hold. Eventually, normal conversations come to them and the team fall into a familiar rhythm.

“What about you, are you coming back to LA, or do you want to stay here for a while?”

Nicolaj looked thoughtful, “I mean, I am pretty close to home, maybe I could go back and have a min holiday or something, not too long, just to… re-evaluate a few things.”

“Yes, it’s always good to see family.”

“Well, no, I own a house in the town I grew up in, seeing my family is not really on my high priority list.” He shook his head, “They just hold, different views, about certain… aspects of my life.” He didn’t seem to bothered by it, “But that’s okay, there are still some great places I can visit and see some childhood friends and there is this really nice restaurant that just…. Ah.” He blushed, his voice trailing off, “Sorry, I was kind of rambling.”

Peter gave him a side hug at this, laughing slightly, “Please don’t apologize, it’s great that you are excited about going back home. You should give yourself some time…”

“You, you could come with me?” Nicolaj muttered quietly, blushing slightly and looking away, clearing his voice. “Uh, that… I didn’t mean to say that aloud, sorry I…”

“I would love to.” Peter said before Nicolaj could say even more on the subject, his eyes brightening at the prospect of doing so. “I mean, yeah – it’s a date.” He laughed as Nicolaj went red again at this, muttering something under his breath again. Peter decided to drop the subject, not wanting to put anymore spotlight on him than they already had. The conversation turned quiet after this and as time went one they slowly decided to call it a night.

Peter awkwardly stood by the closed door of the room they had been sharing that night, waiting for Nicolaj to come back after saying good night to everyone. He offered Nicolaj a smile as he came over, looking down at his feet, suddenly feeling very sheepish.

“I know, we kind of had a fight, and we kind of made up… and I don’t want to… pressure you or anything… but tonight, can we just… oh.” Peter’s words were cut off as Nicolaj ran up to him and wrapped him in a tight hug, different from the almost panicked one from earlier on in the night, this was… nice. This was like when they first got together, when everything was new and exciting and they just wanted to be. “Hey, this is nice…”

“Thank you, for being there for me tonight, I really needed… well to be honest I really needed a good slap.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

“No don’t, I was kind of asking for it, so… were you about to ask what I think, or…”

“Do you want me… can I stay here, with you tonight?”

Nicolaj nodded, falling into a side hug with Peter, “As long as you don’t mind the fact that I might end up crying again?”

“That’s okay,” He took his hand at that, squeezing it and swinging their arms, “You’re allowed to.”

“God, you are such a romantic sap.”

“You turned me into one.” Peter commented with a grin, remembering not to long ago that Nicolaj was telling him the exact same thing. “Guess we’re perfect for each other then.”

“Mmm.” Nicolaj hummed in agreement as they made their way into the room.

It wasn’t perfect, far from it, but it was them, and it would do.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first in the series that has a second chapter, the rest of the team will make their appearance in the second part.


End file.
